Letters to The Akatsuki
by redpetal888
Summary: Welcome to the Akatsuki fanmail database, where you can send letters (via pm or review) to any of the Akatsuki members, and they (might) respond! (we are not responsible for any injuries caused by Hidan or anyone else.)
1. Chapter 1

Letters to The Akatsuki

_Dear MyCandyLove, it is nice to hear from someone who appreciates true art, which is eternal. As for Deidara getting turned into a puppet... Leader-sama would kill me if I did. It's a nice idea though._

_ I don't have a problem with termites. What kind of a shinobi would I be if I had termites?!_

_ And no, Tobi doesn't bother me. He sticks around Deidara. They make quite a lot of noise, and it's VERY annoying. I'm considering killing both of them in their sleep._

_No, I don't have a crush on Konan. No, I don't think a paper puppet could be our child. No, Konan and I are not getting married._

_I have to end this letter. I think Deidara's going to blow apart the base- Tobi stole some of his clay or something._

_-Sasori Akasuna._

Sasori put the pen down, almost spilling the jar of ink that rested next to his other arm when a large boom rang through the air.

Deidara had obviously blown something up, hopefully something of Tobi's. But if it was something of Sasori's... there would be hell to pay.

Sasori sent the letter via hawk, and stood up, opening the door to his room. Tobi came running, almost knocking into him. "Deidara senpai's mad!" he wailed, running away like a child.

Sasori face-palmed. Living here was so irritating...


	2. Chapter 2

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear bankai777, to ask which of the two is more perverted is certainly an interesting question._

_ Normally, I would lean towards Kisame on that matter, but... judging from the looks Konan gives Pein-sama from time to time, I wouldn't be surprised if she was, in a sense, more perverted than my partner._

_ But then again... the last time my partner and I were on a mission, the shark-skinned fool almost got killed when he got distracted by a woman with a rather large bosom. So it might be Kisame._

_ Let's see... with Konan, she occasionally glance at Pein-sama in a rather lustful way, no one else. Kisame ogles every woman he sees, especially in revealing clothing... Kisame. Definitely Kisame. _

_ In a sense, writing this letter was almost fun. But I'm done with it now._

_ -Itachi Uchiha_

Itachi put away his pencil (he preferred them to ink and quills) and folded the letter. He sighed.

Part of him was wondering why he even bothered to answer these sorts of letters. But then he remembered.

Apparently, Pein-sama had discovered a sort of portal to an alter-reality where they didn't exist. And people who lived there knew who they were- ALL of them. And they liked to send letters. Lots of them.

To avoid any conflict with the many people from the alter-reality, Pein-sama had forced them to answer every single letter that was sent. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes interesting, and sometimes just... weird.

Oh well. Itachi had better things to do than sit around and contemplate the strange and un-helpable situation that they were in.


	3. Chapter 3

(Author's Note: Just for a reminder, any of you readers can send in a letter (by review or pm) to me, addressed to one of the akatsuki members, and they will respond here. Please review and send in more letters :3)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear LittleMissMuffin, thank you for taking the time to acknowledge all the work that I do here._

_ Geez, it's like all the men here are children… Except for Pein-kun. He's not like a child… but it's none of your business what he is to me._

_ I agree with you- origami is much better than explosive clay and puppets, although I'm not sure what you mean by 'PWNED BY THA PAPER'. And, to answer one of your questions, no, I cannot kick out Deidara or Sasori because of their use to the organization (regardless of how much I'd like to). It's nice that you are sympathetic with me on this note. No one seems to appreciate me around here…_

_ As for walking in on Pein-kun in the shower… No. I've never done it. Though it would be an interesting experience…_

_ MOVING ON… _

_ Regrettably, the answer to the cooking question is yes. All of the other Akatsuki are useless at cooking their own meals, so I have to do it all. And I'm a pretty damn good cook, if I do say so myself. They know better than to complain… because if they complain, they will meet death by being impaled by a large wooded stirring spoon._

_ -Konan_

Konan smiled, setting the pencil down.

It was about time that someone recognized how hard she worked for all these idiot men.

A huge exploding noise came from the kitchen, and in an instant Konan had bolted up and run to the kitchen, waving a kunai dangerously at what was probably Deidara.

But it wasn't Deidara.

Standing in a cloud of smoke, with oatmeal all over his face, was…Hidan.

"Hidan…" she growled. The religious psychopath looked up, his face turning down with dread.

"Just how the hell did you make a pot of oatmeal explode?!"

He shrank back. "Um…w-well…you see…"

The things Konan had to deal with daily definitely weren't ordinary.


	4. Chapter 4

(Authors note- :O Queen chibi you're my favorite fanfiction author! *jumps up and down* I'm so happy right now :D)

**Letters to The Akatsuki**

_Dear Queen Chibi,_

_FINALLY someone notices how awesome and under-loved I am. It's about time someone appreciates me. SCREW KAKUZU! I was right!_

_Jashin-sama smiles upon you._

_I have decided that Leader's idea of answering letters is a good one. We need recognition._

_And you're right about Zetsu. The bastard hasn't gotten any letters. At all. The white half of him just sulks, and the black half is being more bitchy than usual. It's giving me a godamn headache._

_ -The sexy beast, Hidan_

Hidan put the pencil down, grinning. Kakuzu had bet him twenty dollars that he wouldn't receive any letters. It was the first bet Hidan had won, though he'd never admit it.

He stood up, grabbed his scythe, and walked out the door. He stopped at the door to Kakuzu's room.

Hidan kicked it open. "Pay up, bitch," he announced triumphantly. His jaw dropped when he saw the inside of the room.

Kakuzu was rolling around in a huge pile of paper money, giggling like a little kid. His Akatsuki cloak was discarded, crumpled in a ball in the corner.

"Kakuzu...What. The. Fuck?!"

None of the members of the Akatsuki were normal, it seemed.


	5. Chapter 5

(Authors note: (To Queen Chibi: yes you can! THANK YOU! *glomps* Thank you so much :D))

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear Queen Chibi, I agree with your opinion. The three can be quite hard to stand at times. But we need to keep Zetsu around, as he…eats the bodies of our victims._

_ I find it hard to believe that anyone would have a worse temperament than Hidan. It seems you've written to him as well. He seems to think rather highly of you._

_ And yes. I thank you for realizing how badass my piercings really are. But it is to be expected, As I am a god. And all gods are badass. _

_ As for 'asking out Konan', I cannot. My line of work does not allow me to be distracted by petty relationships. As much as it appeals…_

_ -Pein, Leader of the Akatsuki _

The red-headed Akatsuki leader set the pen down, and leaned back in his chair. Folding his arms behind his head, he sighed. It wasn't easy being a god.

Almost as if on cue, a large explosion boomed rather close to his office, followed by the sound of at least three voices yelling.

Pein stood up, growling under his breath. He tucked the letter into his pocket, intent on sending it after solving whatever mess the members of his organization had created. Again.

He stalked out of his office, and almost got hit on the head by… a magnet? Which then stuck to his face, a result of all the different metal piercings in that area.

Pein glared at the idot who had thrown the magnet, which turned out to be… Tobi, who now was jumping up and down.

"See Kisame-san? I TOLD YOU the magnet would stick! Leader-sama has a magnetic face!" the masked man squealed, running away screaming when Pein sent a kunai flying at his head.

He reached up to his face, removed the magnet, and growled once more. "You are all idiots," he hissed. He turned around, about to stalk back to his office.

"What's this?" said a voice behind him, sounding slightly amused. "Ah, so Leader got a letter too? Pfft, figures."

Pein whirled around, realizing that the letter had fallen out of his pocket. And the person who now had it was reading it, laughing. It was Hidan, who, by now, had reached the end of the letter.

"Can't go out with her because she'd distract you? Ha, what bullshit. We all already know that you two fu-" He dropped to the ground, with a loud metallic ring.

Konan had crept up behind him, and smacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"Well, that takes care of that," she mumbled, her face slightly flushed.

"Definitely. Too bad the fool will wake up later," Pein replied. He picked up the letter from the ground where Hidan had dropped it, and put it back into his pocket.

It was evident that he couldn't let any more members see his letters. It would affect his god-like image.


	6. Chapter 6

(Author's note: Thank you all for supporting this! I'm surprised to be getting so much feedback! Here, free cookies for everyone! *Hands out a giant tub of free chocolate chip cookies* (To Rayne the Hanyou: this one was fun xD. You shoulda seen Kisames' face when he read your letter.

Kisame: *growls*

Me: Don't worry, I think he's just mad cause he knows you could kick his butt :P))

Letters to the Akatsuki

_ Dear Rayne the Hanyou,_

_Itachi-san is NOT my boyfriend. Nor will he ever become my boyfriend. _

_You honestly believe you could defeat me?! Speak any more of this, and I will track you down and rip your head off with Samehada!_

_ -Kisame, the all-powerful Shark._

Kisame scowled as he snapped his pencil in half. He sent the letter and stood up, hissing.

"As if the bitch could actually lay a finger on me..."

Feeling hungry, he stomped out of his room and into the kitchen, where Hidan and Kakuzu were playing checkers. Had been was the better description. Kakuzu had just won the game.

"You were cheating, jackass!" Hidan whined.

"Hidan, getting beat at a game is not cheating. It's called sucking like crap at a game so even the worst of players can beat you," Kakuzu replied, sounding amused.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?!" Hidan jumped forward trying to punch Kakuzu in the face.

The result was a lot of yelling, swearing, and rolling on the ground trying to strangle each other.

Kisame didn't stick around to watch the rest of their fight. He could get something to eat later, when the kitchen wasn't being occupied by violent idiots.


	7. Chapter 7

(Author's Note: Woot woot, seventh chapter already! Instead of cookies, this time I give you… Air. FREE AIR FOR EVERYONE! MAWHAHAHAHA!)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear Rayne the Hanyou,_

_...That's nice. It is good to be beloved to someone, although I question to what degree your sanity is, as I believe my partner recently received a rather threatening letter mentioning something of this earlier..._

_ I hope that you don't turn out to be a crazed fangirl. Many of my fellow members are stalked by them daily, it seems. And we're not the only ones... according to what I've heard, the Kazekage seems to have accumulated a large amount of them as well. Perhaps we should use them in war against him and the other villages, as they can be quite frightening._

_ -Itachi Uchiha_

The Uchiha sighed, setting his pencil down.

There was a knocking at his door.

"..Yes?" Itachi wondered who was brave enough to disturb him.

He groaned inwardly as he recognized the voice.

"Can Tobi play with Itachi-sama?" The masked man stood outside the door, jumping up and down excitedly.

"No. Tobi, go away," was the response.

Tobi wailed, and ran away, sobbing like a child. Itachi sighed once again. He could really use a vacation.


	8. Chapter 8

(Authors note: Oh my lord, CHAPTA EIGHT! I am so happy! My random gift of the chapter is…..A MOOSE! *A moose walks in, wearing a pink hat* I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR MOOSE!

Konan: In case you have not noticed, our mail-delivery person here is on sugar. Lots of it.

Zetsu: Can I eat her? Will she taste like sugar if I eat her? I WANT TO EAT HER!

Me: O.o ….NO YOU CANT EAT ME! *runs away, carrying a bunch of letters*)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear Lalamnmgirl,_

_Thank you for appreciating how hard I work to keep this place in working order. The bet I made with the fool Hidan was extremely annoying to lose. He has not let me forget it. My only regret about it is the loss of valuable money..._

_ But you have no need to worry. I have already won it back with other bets- like I always do. _

_ And to answer your question... Hidan is a loud-mouthed idiot who tends to lose us money. In my opinion, that's grounds enough to be kicked out of the Akatsuki- I have spoken to Leader about this, so far with no avail._

_ Deidara is worse. He blows so many things up, and most of them cost money! MONEY! The things he has broken/blown up in the past week include: A glass vase, Tobi's doorframe, Tobi's door, the coffee table, a large section of the wall in the hallway, and three chairs. So... that's a deficit of 180 dollars. And he'd better pay up...or else._

_ None of these members seem to understand how hard it is to handle all the bills. They think it's just a walk in the godamn park. _

_ It's nice to see someone who appreciates true talent._

_ -Kakuzu, the Banker of the Akatsuki_

Kakuzu sent the letter, then moved from his chair to his bed. In his mind, he began to calculate the overall costs of the Akatsuki's needs this week.

He first looked at the furniture receipt. They had gotten a discount this time. Since they visited so often to the store to get new furniture (mainly thanks to Deidara and his explosives), the owner had taken a liking to them, and therefore lessened the price some.

Kakuzu moved through the other receipts. Everything was going well- they had gotten the lowest possible price on nearly everything they had purchased, the numbers were clean and neat, and no unnecessary things had been bought.

But then he saw the grocery receipt. He growled lowly, his anger level rising. Right there, at the end of the receipt, hiding after all the necessary and low-cost items, was the most un-useful and money-wasting thing possible.

Right there, was a two-dollar...chocolate bar.

"TOBI!" he roared, jumping off his bed and stalking to the living room.

"How dare you waste our precious money on something as useless and pricey as a fucking CANDY BAR?!"

Tobi, who had been on the couch and just finishing the candy bar in question, jumped up, screaming. He turned and ran, going as fast as he could down the hall and outside.

Kakuzu was after him in an instant, intent on making Tobi sorry for the horrible thing he had done.

This just goes to show... Don't buy candy with the Akatsuki's grocery funds. Because Kakuzu will come after you.


	9. Chapter 9

(Authors note: O: omigosh omigosh this is getting so popular! YAY! *runs around and glomps everyone*)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_ Dear DestinyItachi,_

_ Living with 9 men is certainly a pain. I suppose it would be more bearable if we had at least one more girl here. I do not find it enjoyable with all of these idiots. _

_ Their fighting constantly gives me a headache. At dinner, I usually need to threaten to impale them with a wooden spoon to make them shut up and eat. It works._

_ As for a ratings list of the members... Pein-kun would score a ten. All of the other members would score a 2 or 1... except for Tobi. Tobi scores a negative five, if possible._

_ Thank you for complimenting my origami. You'd be surprised how little it gets acknowledged here..._

_ -Konan_

The blue-haired woman smiled. It had certainly been an interesting letter to write.

After the incident with Pein's letter and Hidan, all of the members had taken extra precaution to hide the letters they wrote in the time before sending them.

So, she put the letter inside a hidden compartment in her dresser, intent on sending it after she got some food from the kitchen.

Standing up, Konan stretched her arms and walked out the door.

As soon as she was gone, a certain ginger-headed man full of piercings snuck into her room. He just _had _to see Konan's letter...

After a couple moments rifling through her stuff and searching her dresser, Pein found the secret compartment. He opened it and picked up the letter, reading it almost like a stalker would read the mail of their victims.

He reached the part with the ratings, and he smiled. "Hehe..I'm a ten," he purred.

His happiness was interrupted by the return of Konan, holding a jar of peanut butter and two slices of bread.

"P...Pein-kun? What are you doing?" she asked.

His face paled.

"Nothing..."


	10. Chapter 10

(Authors Note: YAY CHAPTER TEN! And…I have an assignment for all of you! Your assignment is to write a funny review or a funny letter, or a continuation of the situation that is at the end of this chappie. I will look over them, and the person that is the funniest shall be featured in the story section! For those of you that do not understand….you will if you win. )

**Letters to the Akatsuki**

_Dear DestinyItachi, that is, without a doubt, an easy question. The most annoying member here is Tobi. His behavior is annoying and cause much destruction- just a day ago, he bought a candy bar with our grocery fund and Kakuzu lost his temper, resulting in the destruction of another wall here in our base. And then there was the incident with the magnets... Tobi knows this. Does he care? NO. Does he do it on purpose? YES._

_ However... it would be best not to anger him, for he has... abilities unknown to most. Despite his looks...he is...a formidable opponent._

_ As for my favorite...I would have to say Kakuzu. After all, he IS the banker of our organization, and without his help we most likely would have gone bankrupt long ago._

_ Though, we would have easily found a solution, as I am a god and gods do not go bankrupt._

_ -Pein, Leader of the Akatsuki_

Pein almost tore the letter in half as a sound from behind him made him jump.

"Pein..." It was Tobi, who had apparently used a teleportation jutsu to appear behind him.

"..Yes?" the red-head asked, wondering what he wanted, and also wanting to know why the masked man was in his office.

"Tobi wants to see the letter you've written."

Pein raised an eyebrow. "And why is that?" he asked, feeling slightly irritated.

"Because...Tobi wants to know if you've said anything bad about him."

Tobi stepped forward, almost menacingly.

"Give Tobi the letter."

Without waiting for a response, he had taken the letter and teleported out of the room, leaving Pein alone and shocked.

Never in his life had he seem Tobi move that quickly. Moreover, he had never seen Tobi succeed in taking anything from anybody- _especially _himself, of all people.

Well... there was a first for everything, it seemed.

(Second Author's note: I'll give you a hug if you know what I was hinting at about Tobi in Pein's letter. ..)


	11. Chapter 11

(Author's Note: *rubs my sore hands* so much writing to do, and so little time! YAHOOO! *dives into a pile of requests and unfinished story chapters)

**Letters to The Akatsuki**

_ Dear Rayne the Hanyou,_

_ ...There is no one other than Pein that hits on me, Pein himself included. A few sexually-innuendo-ized advances do not count as hitting on._

_ Honestly I am a bit embarrassed to be answering this. No one hits on me, because anyone other than Pein will be painfully shredded to death by bits of paper if they do._

_ -Konan_

Konan put her pencil down, her face flushed. Out of all the letters she had received, this was the least comfortable letter to write. But it did make her think about something.

Was Pein hitting on her? If he was, did she _ want _to be hit on by him?

She hadn't really thought about this before. Well, now she had a lot of thinking to do.

(Second authors note: Sorry about how short this is. Hopefully the other ones will make up for it.)


	12. Chapter 12

(Author's note: *buried beneath pile of papers* Hello everyone! 'Tis me! *bursts out from beneath the papers* I am excitedly awaiting the funny things to be posted, since I ish planning something… *evil lightning surrounds me as I laugh evilly*)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear Rayne the Hanyou,_

_ It's awesome that you realize how great my art truly is, un! Unfortunately I can't disclose the secrets to it, otherwise Leader would get mad that I told someone how to do my technique._

_ I was not born with these hands, un, and I don't them for anything but my art. Where the hell did you get that idea anyway?!_

_ Un...MY HAIR IS NOT FEMININE. It is completely masculine. I take good care of it. That's why it's so healthy, un. Special shampoo._

_ -Deidara, the Bomber Artist_

Deidara growled as he set his pencil down. The first letter he had received, and he had mixed feelings about it.

He liked it that someone appreciated his art, but it irritated him that yet another person thought his hair was feminine.

An hour later, he had sent his letter and was now in the kitchen. Many were yelling or fighting, and he, along with the rest of the Akatsuki members, were being threatened by Konan that if they didn't eat, she would impale them with her wooden cooking spoon.

A typical scene.

Tobi sat across from him, tossing his fork in the air and catching it.

"Deidara-senpai?" he asked.

Deidara growled, already feeling irritated by Tobi's voice.

"What, un?"

"Do you write like how you talk? You know, like a speech impediment, like un, un, un?"

Tobi screamed as a blob of clay landed on his shoulder.

Before Deidara could detonate it, however, he was knocked unconscious by Konan, who had hit him on the head with her wooden cooking spoon.

"Fear the spoon," she hissed, before returning to eating. Everyone in the room shut up and started eating, for fear they would be hit as well.

(Second Authors note: Im kinda scared of Konan now...:P)


	13. Chapter 13

(Author's Note:…I believe we have a winner for the funny competition, although I will not announce who it is yet. I still have two more to write before the special contest award is given out. MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA…..oh, and don't get too creeped out by Hidans freakiness either o.o)

**Letters to the Akatsuki**

_ Dear Rayne the You,_

_Why am I not your godamn favorite?! Weasel-boy and the art freaks? Are you fucking serious?! Hey wait a minute... aren't you that person that scared Kisame? Haha!_

_ It's good to hear that you're a Jashinist. I think you'd make a wonderful sacrifice. Care to tell me how to find you?_

_ -The sexy beast, Hidan_

Hidan finished his letter, smirking. "It's about time that I have a worthwhile sacrifice..."

He sent the letter and then left his room, wandering aimlessly through the halls of the Akatsuki base.

"I'm bored now," he shouted, to anyone who happened to hear.

A moment later, he wished he hadn't said anything at all.

"Yay! Will Hidan-sama play with Tobi? Tobi's bored too!" yelled a certain hyperactive man in a mask.

Hidan spent the next minute screaming curses at Tobi and running as fast as he could towards his room, where he slammed the door and locked it.

"Oh dear Jashin," he said, rubbing his temple.

He'd rather be bored to death than be anywhere near that hyper psychopath.


	14. Chapter 14

(Authors note: o.o chapter 14! YAY! And…I have decided on the winner for the funny contest. Their prize thingy will be in the next chappie. (to lalamnmgirl- aww thanks *gives you a free hat*)

**Letters to the Akatsuki**

_Dear lalamnmgirl,_

_ Thank you! Tobi is a good boy. _

_Can Tobi call you llama-chan? You're a good girl, llama-chan. _

_ Tobi really likes the lollipop! It's so yummy..._

_ All of Tobi's friends are good boys and girls. Except for Hidan-sama...he is mean to Tobi!_

_ Thank you for writing Tobi a letter, Tobi was afraid he wouldn't get any letters._

_ -Tobi_

Tobi put his pencil away, and started to suck on the lollipop he had gotten from his first letter.

He jumped up, put on his mask, and ran out of them room. He searched for his victim...Deidara.

"Guess what?!" Tobi shouted, running up to the blonde bomber and almost knocking him over.

Deidara growled. "What the hell is it now, un?!"

"TOBI GOT A LETTER!" he shrieked, jumping around excitedly.

Deidara's jaw dropped.

"What is the world coming to, un? Even _you _got a letter? This alter-reality or dimension thing must be SERIOUSLY screwed up...un."

Tobi shook his head. "No it's not. Llama-chan wrote a nice letter to Tobi! Llama-chan is NICE!" Then he skipped away, holding his lollipop in his hand.

"Who the heck is 'Llama-chan', un?" Deidara tried to ask, but Tobi was already too far away to hear.


	15. Chapter 15

(Authors note: AND THE WINNER OF THE FUNNY CONTEST IS…Subaku no Gaara! And his awesome assistant, Queen Chibi. (To Queen Chibi: Okay, I kind of combined both of your letters into this story thing …um…I'm going to apologize in advance for sort of hijacking one of your stories in the contest-win-thing….)

_Dear Queen Chibi,_

_ I am not a plank-ass. Do I look like planks to you? It's wood. WOOD!_

_ And as a matter of a fact…Yes, Deidara uses his hair products and I've caught fire because of them more than once…he will pay dearly for this._

_ -Sasori Akasuna_

Sasori put his pen down, again almost spilling his jar of ink. It wasn't a result of Deidara this time, though. It was a loud screaming noise, probably Tobi.

He growled, and then moved on to the next letter he had to answer.

But something made his eyes widen, a mix of amusement and shock. It wasn't from a different reality. It was from the Kazekage!

What he read made him laugh, and he wondered if it was a good or bad idea to actually write back. In the end, he finally decided to write back.

_Dear Subaku no Gaara,_

_That was certainly an entertaining letter you sent. I'm not sure if Deidara is actually a woman… he tends to send mixed signals, you see._

_After what we did to you, I don't think any of us was expecting to hear from you. Ever again._

_Would you mind telling us how you found us? It presents us with a rather puzzling situation, you see. We-_

The pen was ripped out of his hand by Deidara, who had, apparently, been reading the letter and Sasori's response from over his shoulder for a number of minutes.

"Sasori, un," he snarled, looking furious. Sasori didn't think he'd ever seen Deidara that furious before.

"Give me the letter," the blonde terrorist hissed.

Sasori reluctantly handed it over, and Deidara growled once more. "_I'M _replying to this one," he said.

And, under where Sasori had started writing, Deidara picked up.

_**Listen here, you fool of a Kage. I'm real fucking pissed at you, un.**_

_** I am neither a woman, or a she-male, un.**_

_** And if you don't watch your step, you will die soon. Too bad it won't be a very pretty piece of art.**_

_** -Deidara, the cause of your death**_

Once he finished, he smiled grimly.

"C'mon," he said to Sasori. "We're going to Sunagakure."

And that was how Sasori found behind Deidara, on the back of a giant clay bird, flying over the forest, and nearing the desert.

It had been almost twenty-four hours when they finally reached the sandy village of Suna.

It was surprisingly easy to infiltrate the village- All they had to do was transform into non-descript people who didn't actually exist, give a fake ID, and then they were in.

Deidara half-dragged Sasori through the streets until they reached the building of the Kazekage. They slipped in, and requested an audience with the village leader.

After waiting for half an hour, it was granted.

Before entering the door, Deidara smiled. His plan of revenge was almost complete. Sasori trailed behind him, wondering why he had agreed to come with Deidara in the first place.

At last, they were standing in front of the person they had come to see- Subaku no Gaara, the Kazekage.

"Yes?" he asked, his voice sounding almost dry.

Deidara bowed. "My name is Kazuheitsu. I come from a small village near Konoha. Our entire village wishes to relocate ourselves here- basically, I am here as a spokesperson." He almost said un, but Sasori elbowed him and Deidara stopped for a second.

"And I am his escort," Sasori continued for him. "We wish for our village to be allowed to join yours. We have a peace treaty here," he said, taking out His and Deidara's letter. He set it on the Kazekage's desk.

Gaara nodded.

"You may go now," he said. "I will look over this. Be back sometime tomorrow."

Both Deidara and Sasori bowed, and then left the room. They ran down the hall, going as fast as they could, and out the door.

As soon as they were outside, they hopped onto a rooftop and Deidara summoned his giant clay bird.

As they were flying away, Sasori looked back. "Deidara, was this _really _necessary?"

The blonde nodded in response, and they flew even faster.

The Kazekage had just gotten to the end of the letter. He suddenly realized what this was, and barely had enough time to throw it across the room before it detonated, sending smoke and bits of clay everywhere.

He coughed, growling under his breath. Perhaps sending a letter to the Akatsuki wasn't the best idea…

He checked around the room, sighing in relief when he found a certain book.

At least his journal was un-harmed… he couldn't say as much for the potted plant in the corner, which was in pieces and no longer resembled what it was supposed to be.

Oh well. Temari or his advisors would take care of that…

(Second Authors note: I hope you found this prize enjoyable. It was really fun to write.(to Queen Chibi and Subaku no Gaara: please don't kill me! *dives behind a couch*))


	16. Chapter 16

(Author's Note: I'm so happy that you liked last chapter! free virtual kunai for EVERYONE! *hands out kunai, accidentally cutting myself with them three times*)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_ Dear DestinyItachi,_

_I did not mean that the other members were ugly, merely that they had very little attraction._

_Congratulations on sending a letter possibly more interesting and slightly disturbing than your last one- I mean that without offense, really…_

_On a different note, I really have no idea about Sasori's… area. I doubt will be able to sleep tonight either._

_ -Konan_

Konan shivered. By far, this letter was the most awkward out of all of them… but it was fun, non-the-less.

As wrong as it may have seemed, she now was curious about Sasori. Great. Just great. She'd probably have nightmares about it or something.

Though she supposed it wasn't as bad as the letter Sasori had recently received. Deidara had been quite upset about it, and they'd ended up actually flying to Suna… and they still weren't back yet.

"What idiots," she grumbled under her breath. Didn't they realize that if they were caught, it could result in the destruction of the entire Akatsuki?

She stood up, tucking the letter into her pocket. She could send it later.

A loud explosion near the entrance to their hideout made her sigh. The puppet man and the blonde bomber were back, it seemed.

She walked to where they had landed on Deidara's clay bird. They cringed as they saw her, evidently afraid of what she would do to them.

"You two," she snarled, "Are in BIG trouble."

(Second Authors note: I'm not going to be able to update as often as this weeked, since I am back in school for the week and have homework and stuff. But I'll update at least once a day…I hope.)


	17. Chapter 17

(Authors note: I have a question for all of you people. What do you think Krabby Patty meat is made out of? I mean…spongebob lives underwater…yet they have fire…and meat? OwO please tell me what you think.)

Letters to the Akatsuki

_Dear DestinyItachi, _

_It's awesome that someone appreciates my art, un. But no, I was not born with these hands. I used a special jutsu._

_ I. Do. Not. Like. Sasori._

_And as I've told people time and time again, I do not use my hands for anything but my art, un! _

_ Un…lets get this straight__**. I am not a transvestite, I am not a girl, and I do not use make up**__! I don't know where the hell you people come up with that. It's not funny, un._

_ Although I do iron my hair. Makes it easier to manage, you know?_

_ I completely understand why I'm your favorite member, un. The others are all idiots…especially Sasori and Tobi._

_ No, un, my hands do not force me to talk the way that I talk. It's completely normal. I just…ITS NORMAL, OK?!_

_ -Deidara, the bomber artist of The Akatsuki_

Deidara growled. Some people just didn't understand..

At least they liked his art, instead of Sasori's. That was good.

The blonde man stood up, walking out of his room and into the hall. Which was a mistake.

As soon as he had set foot outside his door, Tobi barreled into him, sending both of them sprawling across the floor. Despite his appearance, Tobi was extremely strong.

Hidan, it seemed, had been chasing Tobi and Deidara had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, that was ok. Because Tobi was going to pay, soon.

"Tobi, un.." Deidara snarled. "Get off me. Now."

The orange-masked man shrieked, jumping up and running away. Deidara threw a blob of clay at him, but missed, and a second later it detonated, destroying part of the wall.

A moment later, and there was the unmistakable sound of Kakuzu yelling.

"IT'S TOBI'S FAULT!" yelled Deidara, hoping that Kakuzu would go after him instead.

It didn't work.

A moment later, and Deidara found himself being chased by a very angry man with black tentacles waving all around his body.

Great. Just great.


	18. Chapter 18

(Author's note: I'm so happy you all like this! I never imagined it would get so popular! )

Letters to The Akatsuki

_Dear DestinyItachi,_

_...I don't know if my parents were blue. I grew up in an orphanage. _

_And yes, I was always extremely tall. But my growth spurts started when I turned six, not five._

_No one has ever made fun of me, because they know that if they did I'd kill them, ripping them painfully apart with Samehada. And perhaps feed the remains to Zetsu... This was kind of a funny letter to write. I guess. Don't worry, I won't come after you._

_ -Kisame Hoshigake, the all-powerful shark of The Akatsuki_

Kisame smiled. He felt calmer than usual. He wished he knew if his parents were blue- they probably were, by rules of genetics...

But then again, if his parents were blue, wouldn't they have a whole clan that they came from that was blue too? He'd never seen another blue person before...

Kisame now had a lot of theories to think about, all relating to his blue-ness.

(Second Authors note:...I kinda ran out of steam on this one. Sorry for its shortness. *gives out apology cookies*)


	19. Chapter 19

(Authors Note: …right now, Im being squished by my cat as I write this. Apparently, she thinks I'm a cushion or something O. o

Also, I have a request for all my readers. Please only send one letter at a time. I love answering all of them, but it takes time and is unfair to the other people who are waiting for their response. Thank you for listening )

Letters to The Akatsuki

_Dear lalamnmgirl,_

_ I can create a lot of sculptures at one time, un. The detail is from a lot of chakra and my hand-mouths. It can be difficult sometimes, but that's part of the art._

_**Un….I was not defeated easily.**__ The damn Uchiha cheated and destroyed my art's potency!_

_ And no, I'm not related to Ino. She's __**WAY **__too prissy. And she doesn't look like me! I don't care what you say, un, she doesn't!_

_ -Deidara, the bomber artist of The Akatsuki_

Deidara scowled as he finished his letter. Why did people continually believe he was feminine?!

After sending the letter, he sighed and got up, headed to the kitchen.

Unfortunately, Tobi was also in the Kitchen. Baking cookies. And burning them.

Deidara happened to walk into the kitchen at the exact moment Tobi was taking out the tray of burning cookies.

"Watch out, un!" Deidara hissed.

Tobi tripped, and the tray went flying. It knocked Deidara on his head -which was still sore from the incident with the spoon—and lit his hair on fire.

"TOBI!" Deidara screamed, clutching at his precious hair. Tobi screamed as well, and ran to the bathroom. A second later, he returned, pouring a bucket of water over Deidara's head to put out the fire.

"Tobi…I'm going to kill you, un.." Deidara snarled. Quickly forming a small bird from clay, he threw it at Tobi. It missed, but he blew it up anyways.

Tobi ran away, Deidara following and throwing blobs of clay.

The rest of the day was spent with Deidara trying to murder Tobi, and Tobi running away. It was a happy ending for almost everyone…except Kakuzu, who later fainted like an old lady when he saw all the damage that had been done to the hideout.

(Second Author's note: I hoped you liked this one. It was so fun! :P )


	20. Chapter 20

(Author's Note: YAY CHAPTER 20! *dances around in a circle*)

Letters to The Akatsuki

_ Dear Subaku no Gaara,_

_**You really think you can touch me, un? Let me remind you who took you hostage, despite all of your power. Me.**_

_**What makes you think things have changed, un?**_

_**I will kill you if I ever see you again.**_

_**-Deidara, your death.**_

__Deidara scowled, putting his pencil down. After sending the letter, he stood up, and stomped outside to the hallway.

He was about to summon his clay bird and head to Suna, when he was stopped by a certain red-headed puppet master.

"Deidara," he growled. "I read the letter you received, and I know what you're about to do. We. Are. Not. Going. Back. To. Suna. It's an idiot-brained move, and after last time, the Kazekage is most likely expecting us."

Deidara smirked. "Who said anything about us, un? I'm going by myself."

Sasori growled once more. "No. You'll get yourself killed. You nearly got your hair burned off by Tobi when he_ tripped_, do you really think you can fight the Kazekage again?!"

Deidara narrowed his eyes. "I already did fight the Kazekage, and I won. Remember?"

Sasori sighed. "You know what? Fine. Go. Get yourself killed. But if you do…" a dangerous glint entered his eyes. "…I'll let Tobi into your room and steal your hair products. And your clay."

Deidara gasped. "You…You WOULDN'T DARE, un!"

The puppet master grinned. "Oh, but I would."

Deidara hissed. He had to stay, to make sure Tobi never, ever went near his room and his precious hair-care products. Damn Sasori.


	21. Chapter 21

(Author's note: Happy 12/12/12! I'm going to try and update all of my stories…don't know how that's gonna work out….:) YAY 21 CHAPTERS!)

**Letters to The Akatsuki**

_Dear Llama-chan,_

_Your welcome! Tobi likes to answer letters, it's fun. Tobi doesn't get many letters, but...it's nice when he does._

_When Tobi's friends are being mean and try to hit Tobi, he just runs. Tobi can run very fast, you see. Except for Deidara-sempai. He somehow catches Tobi almost every time..._

_ -Love, Tobi_

Almost immediately after finishing the letter, Tobi picked it up and ran down the hallway. It was a moment before he spotted his victim- the blonde bomber, also known as Deidara.

"Deidara-sempai! Deidara-sempai! Guess what? Guess what?"

The blonde face-palmed. "Don't know and don't care, un," he growled, his forehead vein throbbing. He really wished Leader-sama would let him kill Tobi and spare everyone a ton of annoyance...

"Tobi got another letter from Llama-chan! And he just wrote back! See?" the masked man shouted, holding up the letter he had written.

"...Get that piece of paper out of my face or I will blow both it and you to fucking smithereens, un," Deidara snarled.

"W-why are you being so mean, sempai?" Tobi whimpered, holding the letter to his chest protectively.

"Because," Deidara hissed. "An hour ago you went into my room and set off a bunch of bombs. My bed, and half the walls, were destroyed, un. And now _I _have to fix them."

Tobi shrank back. Evidently, sempai was very pissed off at the moment. And quite violent.

So, without waiting for him to say anything else, Tobi turned around and ran. As fast as he could.

Eventually, he reached Zetsu's garden, which was outside. A mistake. Because a second later, Tobi found himself with Zetsu trying to bite off his arm.

The situations he got himself into were increasingly dangerous...not that he'd ever gotten seriously injured. Yet.

(Second Author's Note: this one was fun. *gives out free 12/12/12 hats* )


	22. Chapter 22

(Author's Note: Hello everyone. Sorry about the long wait between updates. ^^; )

**Letters to The Akatsuki**

_Dear ClayBunny243,_

_Do you honestly believe you could do any damage?_

_You think you know me? You don't. You know __**nothing.**_

_Watch your step, bitch. Because if you don't , you'll wind up dead._

_ -Tobi, or whoever you believe me to be. It isn't important._

The masked man snarled before sending the letter. The nerve of some people! Oh well. It seemed the people of this alter-dimension were more interesting than he thought at first.

He stalked out of his room, his aura lightening as he took on the hyperactive and foolish personality he used for most of the time in the Akatsuki.

"Tobi's happy, Tobi's happy," he muttered under his breath. It was more difficult to keep up his idiotic façade when he was pissed off.

Which simply meant he'd stay away from a few certain people until he was ready to wreak havoc on the rest of the Akatsuki as a sugar-blooded moron. It was almost fun… sometimes.

Sometimes it was simply a pain in the ass.

(Author's note: *hugs all my readers* I luv you guys and gals :3 )


	23. Chapter 23

**Letters to the Akatsuki**

_Dear evioletfox,_

_Thanks for noting how masculine I am, un. But...why the hell do you love Sasori? He's a freaking puppet w-_

_**Though I do not understand how you find this blonde fool masculine, I appreciate your affection. It sounds like I'm your favorite-**_

_****__DANNA DON'T TAKE MY PENCIL!_

_As I was saying before, un, Sasori's a puppet. How can you love him?!_

_In any case, un, thanks for appreciating my art. Though I can't believe you like Sasori's!_

_I suppose what you do is art, but not nearly as awesome as mine! ART IS-_

_**Eternal. End of story.**_

_****__DAMMIT SASORI, QUIT DOING THAT! Art is a bang! An explosion! It should only last for an instant! Ar-_

_**I take it you're bipolar. No normal person could like both my art and that fool's.**_

_**In any case... the blonde is right, for once. What you do is art, but not TRUE art, which is, of course, everlasting. Drawings and writing will eventually be forgotten, and fade away to dust. Is that what-**_

_****__I'M SENDING THE LETTER, SASORI! So-_

_][^-...-^-[]';.'-"{|\_-^[;._

_**I apologize for Deidara's antics. This letter will end now, to avoid further conflict. As for being part of our family...I don't think you would like it here. Deidara's much more annoying in person.**_

_**-Sasori Akasuna**_

_****__-Deidara, who willfully pledges that true art is Eternal and that all explosive forms of expression are not art, and simply are foolish racket that has no purpose. And who is a man-lady._

Sasori grinned devilishly glancing across the room at Deidara, who was currently being held down by two menacing war-puppets, their poison-coated blades gleaming at him threateningly.

"Thank you for writing your signature," Sasori purred, looking down at the letter they had written once more.

He found it quite entertaining to see the blonde's forced ending.

Deidara didn't. He couldn't believe he had been threatened into writing something so awful!

"Fuck you, un," he hissed, still being pinned by the giant wooden contraption.

Sasori simply laughed, before walking out of the room and releasing him.

At first, he had been having doubts about writing a letter together, but now he was sure it was a good idea. Especially since he could force Deidara into saying whatever he wanted.

(Author's Note: So I finally posted a new chapter...I'm really sorry about not updating. I've been busy, and kinda lazy. :( Sorry. But, I'm finally back in gear, I think, so there might be some more chapters soon. I will eventually get through EVERYONE'S letters, because...you guys deserve it. You are all awesome. You really are. So...um...happy new year, everyone! *hands out free Naruto mangas*)


	24. Chapter 24

**Letters to the Akatsuki**

_Dear pmiranda13,_

_That's certainly a lot of questions you have. Thank you for sending me my first letter, by the way. I'm quite happy to finally receive one._

_I'm doing __**horrible, because the shit-brained idiot in an orange mask destroyed my children. THE DAISYS! MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!**_

_I miss them…_

_Anyways, to answer some of your questions, no. I don't get sick. It's strange really…._

_No. I don't believe Deidara's a girl, or anything else… he is quite feminine, though. It would make sense though, I suppose... __**Hell, he probably IS a transvestite. But I don't know for sure. And I don't want to find out either- he's scary looking either way.**_

_Tobi's alright, most of the time…_

_**Tobi's a fucking idiot. He KILLED my CHILDREN, remember?!**_

_Pranking the other members probably isn't a good idea. We're all s-ranked criminals, remember? There could be some serious consequences_

_**It's incredibly tempting, though. I'd love to see the look on that Jashinist's face if we burned his rosary and broke his scythe.**_

_Tobi might do something like that…_

_Thanks for having me as a favorite character. It's nice, especially since everyone here pretty much hates me… _

_**I suppose I can give the letter and some molasses to Tobi. The other members deserve some punishment for crushing my rose-bush….**_

_-Ze__**tsu**_

Zetsu sighed, putting the pencil down.

"I'm glad we finally got a letter," White Zetsu said happily.

Black Zetsu growled.

"**Yeah, but if we get more it'll**__** be fucking irritating to answer them all."**

White Zetsu sweat-dropped, before sighing and proceeding to send the letter.

"Are we going to give her letter and molasses to Tobi?"

"**Hell yes."**

And so, the next morning, the Akatsuki awoke to the sound of three people screaming-

A very pissed off Deidara, with a monstrous bed-head,

A very sticky red-haired puppet,

And a very frightened-sounding man in a swirly orange mask. No one had to ask to know what happened.

From his greenhouse, both sides of Zetsu smiled. Vengeance was upon them.

(Author's Note: Hellooo everyone! I've noticed I got a bunch more letters, YAY! Thanks for sticking with me you guys. Also, a big shout-out to Lalamngirl, also known as Llama-chan. Your reviewing has been so nice, and I really appreciate it!

So….I have an assignment, everyone. Please tell me which of these letter responses was your favorite! It would mean a lot to me….

Oh, I almost forgot. I have another favor to ask. It's un-related to this story. Could you please take the poll on my profile? You see….I'm planning to write another Naruto story, but I can't decide which CharacterxOC it will be. Thanks so much if you take it… :D

That's all for now. Thanks for reading ^^ )


	25. Chapter 25

(A/N: This, by far, was the most…interesting. ^^ thank you to all you people who have been sending letters and reviewing! I'll try to get them answered soon…)

**Letters to the Akatsuki**

_ Dear .no1,_

_**Thank you for realizing how fucking stupid the nail polish is! They force it on me… Jashin damn them….(Hidan)**_

_The nail polish is a uniform requirement, though I do question it's necessity. It costs money… so I, of course, have my doubts about it. But Leader-sama enforces it… (Kakuzu)_

_**I don't think Orochimaru had anything to do with this, un. And… I don't see the problem with most of us being guys and wearing nail polish. ITS NOT FEMININE. And if you say it is, un, **__**I swear I will throw Tobi in a box and ship him to you**__**! Because my art shouldn't be wasted. And then, you would still know the true meaning of pain…(Deidara)**_

_Sorry about the brat's response. He does that to everyone, it seems… what an idiot. And he called his petty explosions 'art' again? Pfft. He has no idea what real art is. Moving on… I'm not really sure about the nail polish we use. It DOES seem to be eternal (which is always appreciable) but… I want a different color. Black, or red… purple doesn't look good on Hiruko. (Sasori)_

_**-The Akatsuki**_

_**Ps. I apologize for the lack of responses, but some of the fools here thought it a good idea to start a brawl of some sort, resulting in the early ending of this letter (Pein)**_

The god of the Akatsuki groaned in irritation as the room around him buzzed with activity. Things were flying through the air, people were yelling, and Tobi was running around throwing rubber balls everywhere.

Apparently, Tobi didn't count as a person- since he was yelling as well.

And the destruction in his wake was… disheartening. Hence why he was followed by a _very _displeased Kakuzu, yelling curses that would make his religious partner pale in comparison.

Life is not easy as a god. Especially if your underlings were all idiots who couldn't stay quiet for five minutes.

(Second A/N: I'm back, again! Hello everybody. I hope you liked this chapter..I wrote it while I was sick so it's probably not my best :P

Question of the day: What flavor of lollipops do you think are Tobi's favorite? I'm interested to see what you think….please answer it :P

Free virtual hats to all that do.

Because no one can resist free hats…. )


	26. Chapter 26

_Dear Hiryu,_  
_I can hold my breath underwater for a very long time. I'm not sure exactly how long though, since I've never tried._  
_Probably at least for ten minutes._

_..._  
_Yes, I would contribute it to my shark-ish-ness._  
_Or perhaps I just have larger lungs than most people, and therefore can hold my breath longer._

_It's nice to hear that your favorite colour is blue._  
_Mine is too :)_  
_-Kisame_

Kisame grinned slightly, having had a bit of fun writing the letter. It was nice...almost calm, in a way. And life in the Akatsuki was never calm.

The letter he had received had been the first all of the Akatsuki had received in months- the portal thingy from which they were delivered had, for some reason, shut down all of a sudden.

But just the previous day, it had re-opened, and with it, the letters had returned.  
Only one so far, it looked like.  
But he was sure that it would soon change.

(A/N:...I have had this on hiatus for so long, I've nearly gone insane! But...ah...I'd like to re-continue it, if only for the summer. (the portal shutting down was my hiatus, in case you didn't notice). Well...I'm sorry to all of those who sent in letters and didn't get them answered. I picked the most recent letter to start up a new entry, and I'd like to say...  
We are now open for business!  
Please send in letters! The mail delivery is up and running :D )


	27. Chapter 27

_Dear DJrebel,_  
_Tobi does not want to put Senpai in his pocket! Why would Tobi do that? Tobi thinks his pockets wouldn't be big enough, either..._  
(In invisible ink:_** Deidara would be one of the first to perish in the dimension, the annoying little shit..**.)_

_Tobi's favorite lollipop flavor?_  
_That's a really hard question :(_  
_Tobi likes Strawberry, Grape, Orange, Cherry, Mango, Watermelon, Rootbeer, Starfruit, Dragonfruit...Dragonfruit. Tobi's favorite lollipop flavor is definitely Dragonfruit. Or Starfruit...or Strawberry._  
_He can't decide :(_

_But Tobi likes lollipops, yes he does! :)_  
_And he likes you, Rebel-san._

_But Tobi has to go now._  
_Senpai is yelling at him :(_  
_-Tobi_

The masked man almost spilled the jar of ink he was using to write his letter as a loud yell paired with an explosion blasted through the air.  
Inwardly cursing, he once again put on his facade as a joyful fool.  
"Aaaaaaah!"  
He screamed as Deidara burst into the room, his eyes alight with rage. He held his infamous clay animals in his hands, waving them menacingly.  
"You little idiot!" he shouted.

"But Tobi put your clay back where it was! He swears!"  
That seemed to confuse Deidara, who tilted his head slightly.

"You...took my clay?!"

Another loud boom rang throughout the air, almost as if on cue. Which, it was. But Deidara would never know that.

"Tobi is sorry!"  
And, wasting no more time, he grabbed the freshly-written letter and darted out of the room, almost knocking Deidara over in the process.

The blonde sighed, rubbing his head before turning to chase after the man-child.  
This was going to be a long day...as always.

(A/N: Thank you for your kind reviews and letters! I'm happy to see you guys haven't abandoned me :P So...yeah...  
Have fun sending in letters, all of you! :)  
I have a question of the day for y'all to answer, in addition to your letters...  
If the Akatsuki were in our world, like an organization in our world, what do you think it would be about? Since there wouldn't be jinchuuriki to collect, they'd have to have some other goal, right?  
I'm interested to see your thoughts :) )


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